Crows

meditating in a room without electricity
at dusk, in february
after a snow fall
watching the sky outside the patio doors
six floors above the frozen earth

one, then two, then three
crows fly at eye level past the glass
against a thick white and blue sky
black shapes against the clouds
six, then eight, then ten,
then tens of tens
swooping, swirling, from west to east
in this line of sight

getting up to look, i open the glass door
and turn east
hundreds of crows
are dancing in the tops of conifers
over the lights of the neighborhood
the air is cold on my limbs
and the cat gazes east, attentive

this is the moment of my attachment
to the contemplative life

The Tao of Creativity: Moving forward and backward through time

Yesterday, Craig and I had a conversation about cleaning up. We were analyzing what prevents people from cleaning up after themselves; why do they not immediately clean up their mess after doing creative (either artistic or productive); and why not later, as the mess piles up? Craig said that he imagined the reason why people let their spaces get messy is because they do not have a designated space for objects. This led me to the counter positioned theory that rather than not having designated space, one might not have designated time.

I developed a theory about cleanliness as it relates to time rather than space. When one is working towards a goal, one is moving forward through time. The more goals to be achieved - and the less mindfulness - the faster one moves through time towards these goals. Cleaning, though, might be understood as moving backward through time. In cleaning, one must revisit the places one has previously passed through.

I made Craig follow me through the apartment as I visually exemplified my theory. I pretended to be late for work, and quickly ran to the bathroom, opened the cabinet, and pulled out my brush. I ran it through my hair a few times, and described this entire process as "moving forward". Then, the moment that my hair was brushed, I called attention to my hand on the brush, and where the brush was ultimately going. Putting the brush down was a sort of neutral moving through time - the brush is neither comes with me, nor does it return to it's rightful place in the cabinet. To return it to it's former organized position, I would have to mentally stop my forward momentum, turn back (both physically and also symbolically-chronologically) and REplace the brush where it was in the past. I highlight "re" as in return, redo, etc. A REturn, turning backwards. Even the language - "putting something back" - implies a moving into the past.

If my mind is busy and non-mindful, and I am living completely in forward momentum, I will quite naturally drop the brush in the time-neutral position and move foward to the next goal - breakfast perhaps. Time neutral is not space-neutral, however, and, as time moves forward, my time neutral drops become space cluttering mess. In the grander scheme, as my space becomes more cluttered, my revisits to the past must become even more large in scope (there are more things past to return to) - every dropped object necessitates a return to the past of it's having been dropped, and, if I am stuck in forward momentum, the return to the past will seem more arduous the larger it becomes, until my home is full of object-reminders of a past I do not have the inclination to return to. I am now addicted to the future.

So, if one wants to keep one's space uncluttered, space itself is much less important that one's relationship to time. Ideally, one would embrace and practice the dance of past-present-future: in every forward movement is an equal and opposite backward movement - for every creative act into the future, one must take an equal step backwards to clean up the impact of that creative act. This step backward is a form of processing, or revisiting, the act of creativity; a vital step in maintaining a full awareness of oneself and one's environment.

In this we find the balance of creation, the Tao of creativity.

The American Election

I woke up at 7 this morning and couldn't sleep. I then remembered to check online to see who won the American election and it was Barack Obama. Perhaps it is the lack of sleep but I have cried with optimism and inspiration already a few times since then and writing this post.

Yesterday I went to the appropriately named Breithaupt Park after biking and just sat. I thought about all the negativity and fear I feel squeezing my heart and my other organs and my body and mind in general. M suggested to me that the cure for low energy is to do nothing, and I wondered how I could cultivate that. I kept saying to myself, I love you, just be who you are. I felt an open quality arise in my body as I told each section of my body that I lam the love which is universal to existence. Walking about, I saw a large bird of prey fly into the woods, and watched it with admiration.

The greatest thing I have learned this year and in my life is that there is another way of thinking that is completely and totally positive and free. Obama's election coincides with this feeling in me, and makes me think that the world/myself is changing. That if I am changing, then the world must be changing, since there is no distinction between my body and mind and the world.

In reading different news coverage (with world leaders in all major countries supporting Obama and hoping joyfully for change) I thought about checking out Focus on the Family. Apparently during the campaign they were posting some fearful projections of what would happen if the Democrats one. I went to the site, to see if I could get worked up by some of it, and then when I was looking at it, I thought, I'm done with this. It has very little power over me, this fearful religion, this close-minded narrowness, this belief system of non-life. Why did I let these people have so much power over me throughout my life? Even my hating of them, my anger, came from the way I feared they were right. Having been raised a Christian, of course I may always have some amount of fear in my heart. But it is small now. I'm just simply not interested in their politics and religion of fear and negativity.

It's not about believing in God or not. It's about the approach to it. I see no reason to continue to be fearful and narrow. Clearly Americans do not either. They seem to be collectively loosening their grip. They seem now to be opening up to real faith. Now that I feel this opening happening, and the ripples of it across the world, I can't believe we ever lived in any other way.

Of course there are threats to openness. There are situations and emotions which will arise on the world stage in the coming months which will challenge the American people, and the world's people, to remain faithful, to remain open. Ignorance and old wounds will cause people to want to shut down or begin to shut down. I personally will likely experience that feeling in the next few hours! It doesn't take long for wild optimism to fall. However, I will begin to meditate on behalf o the world, through the Medicine Buddha and in other powerful ways, that we remain open. That I remain open.

Doing something

I have been thinking recently of starting a blog about my spiritual ideas. I think I have some originality and a possibly interesting writing style and maybe something to add to the, cringe, blogosphere. Then I checked out google “spirituality blogs” and I think there are many. Argh. I don’t want to be just another voice. I can’t see how it helps for me to contribute my ideas when other people already have shared theirs. Anyway, isn’t it just more talking anyway, something I want to avoid?

The question in part is: do I want to be a teacher? Well, I certainly don’t want to teach, so, do I want to be a guide? Yes and no. It seems natural, and also I am not at this moment motivated towards it.

In a way I could see it like painting. It’s something a lot of people can do but I apparently have some extra gift which I can sort of see. To clarify: I deeply value the work I can do. I love almost everything I do (unsurprisingly, perhaps). I can imagine this world where I am meditating every day, almost completely grounded, and then also painting and teaching. Somehow in my mind it comes out of this grounded, idyllic place or something. I just know that if I plan to do it now, I get too overwhelmed.

Yes it’s true that I am seeing the need to break from the cycle of ‘when this happens, I’ll be able to be that/do that’. Things start now or they start never, to some extent. But I also like the idea of the seed: planting a little bit of it now. For instance, if guiding and painting are something I could see myself doing if circumstances were right, what seeds can I plant for those circumstances?

The thing is that I don’t actually WANT to guide or paint. What I want is to eat sugar, party, watch DVDs, and then shut out the world in a quiet room. Or, what I want is just to get through the day without getting angry or agitated or crying. What I want is to be grounded. This last is a seed, though, if anything is.

All my life I’ve been searching for stillness. I never really wanted anything else, even though I romanticized some things. Stillness and excitement in balance is what I wanted. Or, inspiration. Stillness and inspiration. I think it’s easier to imagine that concrete actions and products might flow out of these states, rather than me choosing and forcing myself to do them.

I certainly do not want anymore to ‘choose’ my activities, my friends or my products. I want them to flow out of from the universe and react to them. I say this because I have only found suffering, tiredness and dissatisfaction from trying to select my experiences. Right now I feel generally good about this in my life: what I do have I like.

However, the question is there, the call to ‘do’ something. I want to prove myself to other people. I want to have created something for other people. Perhaps this is a fundamental human urge and perhaps it is ego. Is it beneficial, is it not? Ah. Perhaps if what I create causes other people to be healthy/enlightened. Yes, that seems valid. Or, if actually doing it causes me to be healthy/enlightened. If the product in some way contributes to a mind or body state that creates in a participant the possibility for growing healthiness, ie,

- genuine love for self

- genuine compassion for others

- deeper awareness of the real

- deeper acceptance of the real

- deeper connection with the real

In other words, if the product is the guide, then the product has value and also is not ego-driven. I suppose one can guide through words, text, example, or product.

The big key in this is recognition. I want to be recognized for the teaching, the guiding. Which means that I want to solidify an identity around it. I want to ‘be’ the teachings, in a way that no one else is, so that people look to me as ‘the guide’ and I derive – not even praise, that’s not even what I want – but solidity. I ‘am’ something. Partly it’s a love for wisdom and a desire to literally incorporate it. I want to literally be the transformative being for someone.

Also though it’s seeing other people create things and wanting that too. It still comes down to identity. I don’t inherently care if I am every of value on a grand scale. I am very aware of the ways I could be a of value on a small scale. There are many opportunities which I could take to contribute to people around me. No. I do care about the grand scale. I am wanting fame on the grand scale, not fame, but existence. I want to exist as part of remembered history. Or, I have always felt that I am part of known history. That’s because most of my friends are writers in the books I read. My difficulty with friendships is based on the same issue: one sided relationships. I feel different from people who can dialogue and who aren’t internationally recognized. However, actually being famous would possibly not change that because when actually encountering other famous people, we would both be in the room and would likely both be suffering from too much of the company of books.

Thus it’s my belief that I am only a member of the idea world – it just comes from the time I have spent reading so many ideas from famous people. Why don’t I listen to real people more? It makes me ask what I am trying to get from them – if real people can’t offer me the neatly packaged wisdom and entertainment of writers, then what else do they offer? What else is communication, when it is not one-sided and informational? What I give up in occasional boredom or anxiety or confusion, I give up in intimacy. True intimacy with another is not reading a book – book intimacy is intimacy with myself and my imagination of the writer.

As for fame … I want to contribute. I want, more accurately, to have contributed. I want to be associated with something I have contributed. I want to say I contributed. I want it to be known I contributed? I want to know I have contributed. I want the sate of being in contribution. The actual activity I care little about. And yet it’s important too.

These are interesting questions which I’ll have to think over for a while.